Bad news for TTC

After getting the news about hubby’s super-sperm we thought all was go for me simply (according to the fertility doc) losing weight and getting knocked up.

The only problem is that hubby only has two months left at his job and I have zero chance of any pay rise to cover him (and minimal chance of even being given my well deserved performance-not-profit based bonus). So we couldn’t afford to get pregnant now, even if it was easy to do so.

Wah!

So now I’m job hunting in earnest. If I can’t get appropriate remuneration for what I do for my firm then I need to go to a firm that are willing to pay. Hopefully I’ll find something. To other firm’s it’s not like giving me a payrise, it’s just paying expected market rates rather than 50% of them.

The irony is that I was staying with my company until hubby finished his contract and had a permanent job so that we had some security. That was a bad choice!

Wish me luck readers

P.S. Does this mean sod’s law comes into effect and I now get pregnant naturally?

Super Sperm

It appears that the problem is definitely with me as hubby’s results indicate that he has super sperm. In his words he’d “better start wearing sunglasses because he could be getting women pregnant just by looking at them”.

For posterity I wanted to record his results somewhere, and here seemed as good a place as any:

—

Sample volume – 3.5ml

pH – 8.0

Sperm concentration – 134 million per ml

Motility:
A (progressive) – 48%
B (sluggish) – 17%
C (non progressive) – 4%
D (non motile) – 31%

Morphology – 13%

Overall result – Normal sample (Normozoospermic)

—

So once again we just have to concentrate on losing weight (hoping that counteracts the PCOS) and seeing if the course of Provera “reboots” my body and starts me ovulating again.

When good news is also bad news

Hubby rang the doctors today to get the results of his sperm analysis. He was told that his swimmers are fine and that all is good with him. A full analysis is waiting in an envelope at the docs for us to pick up.

So…. good news that his swimmers are healthy and should happily impregnate me. The bad news is that he couldn’t help the joy in his voice when he found out that he has no problems. It’s depressing to know that although we’re a partnership, the lack of conception is all my fault and none of his.

It’s wrong to indulge in comfort eating, but I’m off for a chocolate bar now.

Just one more little pound

I’ve lost some more weight. I seem to be averaging a loss of about a pound a week which is fantastic as far as I’m concerned. Even more importantly, I have now dropped below 19 stone… Yay!

Unfortunately the doctors don’t seem to think this speed of weight loss is good enough.

The Fertility Clinic appointment on Tuesday was pretty much a waste of time. It was yet another doctor telling me off for being heavy and telling me to come back in six months. Except this one wanted me to promise to try to lose 5 stone in those 6 months. Fat chance! Even if I could, that is not a healthy speed of weight loss and I’m not playing along. I’ll stick to my steady progress of a pound a week thank you and see the same doc again in sixth months when I’ll hopefully be another 1.5 – 2 stone lighter (and bloody well proud of myself with it).

I knew the doctor would just tell me that my BMI was too high (at 41-42) and that there’s nothing he can do for me fertility wise. I was hoping that the doctor would listen to me and check for other problems beyond the weight, but no such luck. The doc won’t even bother checking for any other problems (blockages in tubes etc) until my BMI is down to 30, I’m ovulating and I go through 6 ovulatory cycles without getting pregnant.

What bit about PCOS and irregular cycles (even when a healthy weight) does he not understand?

The even worse thing about it all…. it was an appointment that both myself and my husband had to be present for ,and it was yet another appointment where my hubby was ignored completely by the doctor and, instead, witnessed me being berrated and patronised.

I think my favourite comment was when, in a really patronising tone, the doctor said “PCOS is very complicated you know”. It took all my strength not to strangle the man whilst yelling “Yes I know, I’m the one living with it”.

Well that was June

June kinda disappeared in a haze of stress at work….

…. June contains 22 working days and I had 7 of those booked as holiday. In the remaining 15 days I did as much work as I’m contracted to do in those 22 days. I’ve spent most of June knackered and in a foul mood, which hubby has been bearing the brunt of. The stress (along with the long hours) will be continuing through July and August. Come September I may have a melt-down. For the moment the sun is shining and it’s over 30 degrees C outside (i.e. bloody warm for the UK) so I’m in a good mood and making time to write and entry into a journal that was meant to help me on the whole stress relief front.

Aside from work the last 5 weeks have also consisted of the following:

• PCOS Clinic - Where I saw the specialist consultant (one of the leading ones in the UK) and she took me through all the symptoms and problems I’m having, then gave me advice. Essentially as hubby and I would like a child there’s no possibility of drugs to help the hairness as they’re hormone based. As I had a weird reaction to Metformin before she told me to stay off it and concentrate on diet (this was followed up with a visit to the clinic nutritionist who said she was happy for me to be on SlimFast and was glad to hear I hadn’t gone down the route of Lighter Life). I was also warned that the fertility clinic won’t help me they’ll just tell me to lose weight – I said I fully expected that but there’s no point assuming that fixing me will fix the reproductive issues unless we know hubby is firing on all cylinders too, i.e. this is an appointment for discussing options, not arranging treatment. Finally as I’ve not had a period since last November she gave me a prescription for Provera (5mg) with instructions to take one a day for 10 days and repeat once a month for three months (on the same dates each month). It was also mentioned that a 3 month course of Provera sometimes kick-starts the body into working normally again… nice to know, but I’m not holding my breath.
• Holiday - Hubby & I spent a wonderful week staying with my parents, being fed and watered and pampered. Shame we had to go back to work!
• PMT monster from hell - Oh dear god had I forgotten what PMT was like; blowing up at the slightest thing, crying at the weirdest moments and stomping away to punch a wall in the bathroom when everything gets to be too much at work – didn’t enjoy my reintroduction one little bit.
• Period monster from hell - Oh dear god had I forgotten what full blown periods were like for me. I spent 5 days unable to sleep due to pain and having to run to the loo every hour (including when trying to sleep) followed by 5 days of what “normal” women would consider a “normal” period. I know this is supposedly preventing me getting endometrial cancer and might “reboot” my body…. but, seriously… in whose world is 12 days PMT followed by 10 days bleeding a good thing… especially when that only leaves 8 days for “normal” living… sod sex – when’s that going to fit in?
• Swimmer checks - When the letter came through for the fertility clinic it stated that hubby had to have a sperm test before attending. Whereas the GP had said “I won’t send you for a sperm test as the clinic will just order their own tests”. Cue a number of panicky phone calls to get the sperm test appointment arranged. This was unfortunately left in hubby’s hands and also involved a substantial amount of nagging. I appreciate that no man wants to contemplate that his swimmers might be less that perfect, but it has to be done and it’s far less invasive than any tests I might be put through. So the appointment was booked and hubby went along this morning to provide his sample. He was very proud to say that he caught every drop in the tiny specimen cup… good boy

So, next week is the much awaited appointment at the fertility clinic.
I know they’re going to tell me that my BMI is too high to be given help. I know that my PCT lost money in the Iceland bank crashes last year and is currently too stingy to give more than one IVF cycle let alone much other fertility help. But, I want this initial appointment to let me, hubby and the clinic know where we’re all starting from, where we’re heading and what the options are.

I would promise to write again soon, but that didn’t work so well last time so I’ll leave you with the following thought:

Most fertility related websites, tools and forums refer to sex as “BD” or the “baby dance”. I appreciate that in this arena sex is all about getting pregnant, but I must admit to finding it a bit creepy, well… actually a complete an utter libido killer, to consider sex as the “baby dance”. I just keep seeing that damned dancing baby from Ally McBeal

Far too long and not so far away

It’s been almost two weeks… oops!

What’s my excuse? Working too late and too hard. Then, partying too hard on the weekend.

The week before last we did exceptionally well with our diet having planned out the week’s meals at the start of the week, sticking to them all week, having SlimFast for breakfast and lunch, and having some low-cal snack bars, or fruit, morning and afternoon. In total we both lost around half a stone. It was surprisingly easy. Not that I didn’t have cravings…. the first day I was day-dreaming about food all day and at some point I also threatened to eat our pet. But, after that the cravings were pretty much non-existent.

After that the weekend happened and we socialised too much, ate too much junk but made a meal plan for the coming week. However I’d put a few pounds back on my frame.

Luckily we didn’t shop for our food in advance as plans rapidly went to hell in a hand cart (but in a good way!)

Monday we got a call just before the end of work to invite us to a friends birthday dinner.
Tuesday we managed to eat heathily and something that we’d planned ahead
Wednesday was another friend’s birthday – this time a BBQ and drinks
Thursday was our regular fish and chips night
Friday was a really bad day at work for both of us so we had comfort food in the form of Chinese takeaway.

All week I’d still maintained my SlimFast breakfasts and lunches and occasional snacks. So by the end of the week I was the same weight as when I started. Not very good progress but at least it wasn’t a backwards step.

The weekend just gone was a bank holiday weekend in the UK so we had three long, warm and gloriously sunny days off work. SlimFast was abandoned over this time and I ate properly and both Sunday and Monday dinners were BBQs.

The result – still the same weight Good!

Back to work today and back on the SlimFast plan. So far no cravings and no stomach churning hunger.

I’ve got my next PCOS clinic appointment on Thursday so I’m hoping to burn off a few pounds by then so that I will have lost weight since my last visit (I think I’m currently the same weight).

This appointment should give me some more insight into my reaction to the Metformin earlier this year, diet concerns and the up-and-coming fertility clinic appointment (apparently the PCOS and fertility clinics work together to an extent).

Anyway… I’m going to stop rambling there, finish my SlimFast lunch and go back to work

Seven days, Nine phonecalls, Two missed calls and One appointment

So at the end of last week we were given a referral to the Fertility Clinic by our GP. This, I thought, was the magic ticket and meant we’d jumped through all the hoops provided by the NHS. I was wrong….

The referral contained an ID to use on the NHS Choose & Book website along with a password. I dutifully went to the website, filled in my ID, password and all details, then sat back eagerly anticipating being able to book my appointment (subject to the 50-70 day waiting list that I’d been warned about).

Fool!

The page refreshed and rather than allowing me to “Choose & Book” my appointment (as the name of the system implied) I was presented with a phone number and told to call that number between 10am & noon or 2pm & 4pm on any day of the week. Okay, not as interactive as I was hoping, but I now had a phone number. So I dutifully called that phone number…. and got through to a voicemail with a one minute long message advising me that no appointment clerks were currently available, but if I wanted a mid-wife then I should call a different number between 8am & 10am. I then got to leave a message with my name and number on the understanding that an appointment clerk would call me back.

And I heard nothing.

So I called the following afternoon, got through to the same voicemail and left another message.

And I heard nothing.

So the next morning I called again, once more got through to the voicemail, left another message and this time apologised profusely (why do we British do that?) and explaining that I was having problems getting through. By this point I was starting to feel a little like I was stalking the, as yet unknown, appointment clerk.

An hour later I nip to the loo and come back to find a missed call on my mobile phone and a voicemail message from a real live appointment clerk asking me to call back to make an appointment. The missed call had been 3 minutes earlier so I called straight back, and….. got through to their voicemail and so left another message.

I left another message that afternoon, and then another one the following morning, and then one in the afternoon.

By this time we’re up to today, so at 10:05am I phone the number again and leave yet another voicemail message. By this point I am seriously starting to wonder when I get considered a rabidly obsessed wanna-be-pregnant woman from an appointment clerks worst nightmares.

I’m then in a meeting from 10:30am and I miss my phone flashing with an incoming call from the Fertility Clinic at 10:45am. I notice my missed call at 11:00am, apologise to the meeting participants that I have to make a phone call (I don’t exactly want to explain to my colleagues what it’s all about) and go off to call the voicemail line that I’ve become so well acquainted with.

Except, I don’t get through to an automated message – I get through to a human being. Yay! And, we now have an appointment for the Fertility Clinic on 7th July.

It’s seven and a half weeks away but at least it’s now booked. Just got to count down the time to the appointment now.